Sandpaper Friends & Sacred Circles: How God Uses Friendship to Refine Us

A few years ago, I found this old, beat-up dresser at a garage sale. It was one of those clunky brown 1970s pieces with ugly brass knobs and layers of lacquer that screamed “Do not touch.” But I had a vision: bubblegum pink for my daughter’s room.

So I bought it. But before I could transform it, I had to sand it down.

I’m not talking light dusting—I mean full-on, grit-under-your-nails, arms-aching sanding. That dresser had years of grime and old finish that had to come off before the new beauty could go on.

Friendship is a lot like that.

God uses the people in our lives—especially those closest to us—to do the deep, refining work we can’t do alone. And can I be honest? Some of the most transformative work God has done in me didn’t happen in a quiet time—it happened in community.

• In conversations that stung.
• In conflicts I wanted to avoid.
• In relationships where grace had to be chosen again and again.

I’ve had friends who were like sandpaper. And I thank God for them.

How Friendship Refines Us

Refining friendship isn’t about comfort—it’s about Christlikeness. That’s why Paul says in Colossians 3 to “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with one another and forgive…” (Col. 3:12–13)

The very fact that Scripture says bear with tells us this won’t always be easy.

1. Friends Who Call You Higher

I’ve had friends love me enough to call me out when I’ve sinned or acted in a way that didn’t glorify Jesus. Not in shame. Not in judgment. But in truth and love.

One of my closest friends once gently said, “Marian, I think your reaction came more from fear than faith.” She was right. And as much as I didn’t want to hear it, I needed her courage—and her obedience to the Spirit.

2. Friends Who Send You Running to Jesus

Some of the deepest growth in my life has come through wounds in friendship—when insecurity, miscommunication, or unmet expectations broke my heart. And yet, those very moments drove me to the feet of Jesus. Through disappointment, I’ve learned to root my identity in His love—not in whether people invite me, remember me, or affirm me.

3. Friends Who Teach You to Forgive

It’s impossible to do life with people and not get hurt sometimes. We rub up against each other’s humanity—and it hurts. I’ve had to forgive friends who didn’t show up. I’ve had to learn that grace isn’t just something I receive from Jesus, but something I give to others. And choosing to love like Jesus has grown my heart.

4. Friends Who Stay When Life Falls Apart

When I went through some of the hardest seasons of my life—heartbreak, disappointment, deep grief—I had a friend who simply stayed. She didn’t try to fix it. She prayed. She sat with me. She believed for me when I couldn’t believe for myself.

I am who I am today because of friendships like that.

Your Circle Is Sacred

Friendship is not accidental. Ephesians 2:22 says we are “built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by His Spirit.” Your people—your circle—are part of your spiritual formation.

You’re not just grabbing coffee. You’re helping each other become.

But we have to show up. We have to fight for unity. We have to be willing to be sanded—and to do a little sanding ourselves. Because let’s be honest: we’re all sandpaper sometimes.

Let’s Be the Real Ones

Don’t settle for surface friendships. Don’t ghost people the minute it gets hard. Don’t believe the lie that you’re better off alone.

Lean into the tension. Lean into the discomfort. Lean into the sanctification.

Be the friend who loves like Jesus. Be the friend who gently speaks truth. Be the friend who stays.

Because friendship is more than fun and laughter and Target runs (though I love all three). It’s a sacred assignment. And when we say yes to it—when we commit to loving each other through grace and truth—we become more like Him.

Want more?

Watch my full teaching The Gift of Friendship on YouTube and invite your circle to join you. You weren’t made to do this alone. Let’s grow together.