From Honeymoon to Carpool: Reflections on 13 Years as a Bonus Mom

From Honeymoon to Carpool: Reflections on Life as a Bonus Mom

When Justin and I got married, I came home from our honeymoon and immediately jumped into the world of carpooling, school projects, and navigating life as a bonus mom. To say it wasn’t how I imagined my life would be is an understatement. His boys, 5 and 9 years old at the time, were suddenly part of my new normal. It was like stepping into a world where I was simultaneously called to love them deeply while trying to figure out my role as their stepmom.

That first year was hard. I remember feeling like I was walking on eggshells, trying to find my place in a family that wasn’t mine by blood. The boys had their own fears and concerns after the divorce, and as a blended family, we had the delicate dance of co-parenting. My relationship with the boys was something that needed intentional care as well, and figuring out how to move forward with grace was no small feat.

But over time, something beautiful began to emerge—God’s goodness. As we learned to lean into the challenges and trust in His timing, we found a rhythm. Now, after 13 years, I look at my bonus kids and can’t help but marvel at how far we’ve come.

With both boys heading off to college next year, I’ve found myself reflecting even more on the journey we’ve had together. The reality of them moving into this next season of life has me looking back on all the moments, big and small, that have shaped our family. Watching them grow and become young men of faith and character has been one of the greatest joys of my life.

One of the most challenging parts of being a bonus mom has been striking the balance between being present but not their mom. There’s a difference between doing the same duties a mom would do and having the same status as their biological mother. It’s a tricky line to walk. You want to be the one they can lean on, but you also don’t want to overstep boundaries. You want to love them fiercely, but in a way that honors their relationship with their biological mom. Finding that “bonus-mom balance” has been a journey of constant prayer, trial, and error. But in the midst of it all, God’s grace has been evident.

There have been moments where I’ve had to step back and trust that God’s role for me in their lives is enough. His love and wisdom have been my guide. I’ve learned that it’s not about trying to replace someone or become someone I’m not—it’s about bringing my own unique love and support into their lives. There’s something beautiful in being the extra layer of love, wisdom, and encouragement that they need, without ever pretending to be their mom.

And then there’s the joy. Watching the boys grow into young men of faith and character has been one of the greatest gifts. To see them step out as leaders, making their own decisions to follow Jesus, is something I could have never dreamed of when I first stepped into this role. My heart swells with pride as I watch them navigate their own faith journeys, and I’m in awe of the men they are becoming.

But I know, as a stepmom, it’s not always easy. Some days are filled with doubts, struggles, and insecurities. It can be hard to know if you’re doing enough or doing it right. But I want to encourage you, especially if you’re in a blended family like I am: even when it’s hard, God is working. His redemptive power is always at work, healing brokenness, restoring relationships, and creating new bonds. When we choose to forgive, love, bless, and honor others, we give Him the space to redeem the situation for our good and His glory.

If you’re in the thick of it, if you’re trying to find your place in a blended family, or if you’re struggling to figure out how to love with grace, take heart. I’m here to tell you that God is faithful. You don’t have to have it all figured out. You don’t have to be their mom to love them like one. God will fill in the gaps with His love and His wisdom, and He will equip you for the unique role He’s given you in their lives.

5 Ways to Navigate Your Role in a Blended Family with Grace

• Embrace your unique role – You don’t have to replace their mom; you’re there to be an extra layer of love, support, and guidance. Recognize that you bring something special to their lives, even without taking on the same status.

• Establish clear boundaries – Set healthy boundaries with both your spouse and the kids, ensuring everyone knows where each person stands. This helps to reduce tension and fosters mutual respect.

• Practice patience – Give yourself and your stepchildren grace. Building trust and a relationship takes time, and not every day will be easy. Allow space for growth and adjustment.

• Communicate openly – Make sure to have honest and open conversations with your spouse and your stepchildren. Keep communication lines clear to avoid misunderstandings and strengthen your bond.

• Lean into God’s grace – There will be tough days when you feel inadequate. But remember, God’s grace is sufficient for you. He’ll fill the gaps, guide your heart, and provide the strength you need.

So take a deep breath, trust in His timing, and remember: even when it’s hard, there’s beauty in the process. And just like that, the first year of struggle becomes the beginning of a long, sweet season where God’s goodness is evident in ways you never could have imagined.